“Frenemies” Cleaning Out Your Friends List


This past week, one of my Facebook friends posted on her status, “Cleaning out my Friends list.  What a great feeling!”  This got me to thinking.  I recently gave a class “Finding Mr. Right,” to a group of young single women in my community.  We talked about some of the concepts I have written about on my blog under the “Advice for Singles” category.  We talked about getting to know yourself before getting to know someone else, being realistic is not settling, the unsuccessful daters, etc.  

During the class, we also talked about the idea of the laws of attraction; the kind of energy you send out into the world is the kind of energy that will come back to you.  One of the girls raised the issue of what to do if you have a friend in your life that seems to always bring negative energy to the table.  So we discussed the difference between true friends who are going through hard times and what I like to call “frenemies,” people who pose as your friends but do not offer a healthy friendship for you, either because they have ulterior motives or because they just bring negativity into your life.

A few days later, I got some feedback from the girl who had hosted the class in her house.  She said that the girls really liked the information and they were wondering if I could come back and give Part 2, this time not only talking about the kinds of things they should not do when looking for Mr. Right, but the kinds of things they should do.  So, I am currently working on that material.  One of the things I think is really important to talk about when preparing yourself to find a spouse is the kind of life you have already created for yourself.  This includes self-esteem, self-worth, career, school, hobbies and religious values.   It also includes friends. 

I feel that this is a very sensitive topic because many of us have friends who have been a part of our lives for years- sometimes since childhood.  For most us, our friendships mean the world.  However, some of our friendships may not be as healthy as others.  Have you ever (or do you currently) have a friend in your life who appears loyal on the outside and tells you how much she loves and appreciates you but somehow makes you feel really bad about yourself a lot of the time?   Have you ever had a friend who seems to be constantly putting you down but explains that she is helping you and that these put-downs are for your own good?  Have you ever had a friend who acts like she is guiding you or taking you under her wing when really all you want is just to be treated as an equal?  Many times, friendships like these are based on one friend’s conscious or subconscious need to feel good about themselves by making themselves feel superior to another by putting the other person down.  This is not a healthy friendship.  In fact, many times, this is not a friend at all.  This is a frenemy.

I used to be very drawn to being friends with a certain type of girl; a really fun, leader-of-the-pack, A-type personality.  Although I had a lot of fun times with these girls and we got involved in all kinds of awesome projects together, I could never figure out why, for so much of the time spent with them, I felt like (please excuse my language) crap.  Yet, I continued to hang out with them because they were constantly giving me advice about what I should or shouldn’t be doing, and I was listening to them.  Over the years, I slowly started to see that they had a (maybe subconscious?) agenda, or shall we say, ulterior motives, for being friends with me, but I didn’t really see a way to break out of the toxic pattern.  I just found myself getting frequently annoyed with how they spoke to or treated me.

After my divorce, things changed a lot.  I had hit rock-bottom and could really only tolerate anyone who was a hard-core, authentic, REAL person, without any ulterior motives or agendas, conscious or subconscious.  So when I got two separate calls after my divorce, one telling me I obviously had REALLY low self-esteem and would not be able to get re-married for a REALLY long time because I REALLY had to work on this, and the other aggressively demanding of me, “Why didn’t you try harder to make it work?  Why didn’t you go get help from the Rabbis?  Which Rabbis were you seeing?”  I politely excused myself from the conversations and hung up the phone.  I avoided calls from these said parties for the next couple of months.  My TRUE friends stuck with me throughout this process the whole way; through every twist and turn and every high and low.  I knew who I could count on for support.  About six months after my divorce, one of my so-called “friends” called me and reprimanded me for not being in touch.  She told me that she wanted to stay friends with me, but “You have changed so much I just don’t know who you are anymore.”  When I relayed the story over to one of my TRUE friends, she replied,

“You have changed, Anna.  You don’t put up with crap anymore.  And I’m SOOOOO proud of you!!!”

That’s when I knew I was on the right track and I have not looked back since.

So you want to know my honest opinion on frenemies?  At the risk of sounding a little brusque, THEY’RE NOT WORTH IT.  Get rid of them.  Clean out your “Friends” list.  This does not mean you have to stop talking to them altogether; sometimes you can still keep them in your lives, but at arm’s length or on your own terms.  The problem is, often, when a frenemy sees that you have changed and so has your relationship with her, she isn’t able to handle it and the “friendship” has nowhere to go but out the door.

Sometimes, if the frenemy is an understanding person deep down, you can sit down with her and explain that you need things between you and her to change in order for you to stay friends with her.  If she cares enough about you, she’ll get it.  If not, not.

A word of CAUTION:  Sometimes our TRUE friends are going through a rough patch and it may feel like they are bringing toxic energy into our lives.  In times like this, it is our job to be nothing but supportive of them and encouraging of the healing process, without letting it drag us down.  Friends in need are not frenemies, they’re just friends in need and they need us! 

I know that many of you are relating to this post, so I want to hear from you.  What are your experiences with frenemies?  Keep ‘em?  Or delete?


6 thoughts on ““Frenemies” Cleaning Out Your Friends List

  1. This is great. I would also add that there is a difference between a toxic friend and one that actually give good tochecha. The latter is actually the best kind of friend, but rebukes you in order to help you become a better person, is getting no personal enjoyment out of it, and because she/he truly loves you.
    I have the exact same attraction and problems with certain kinds of women like you do… obviously it’s part of our tikkun! ❤

  2. loved this! You hit the nail on the head. I find that with friends who give me “bad energy” on a regular basis, i tend to stay away, take things with a grain of salt and after an encounter if i don’t feel positive i find a “good” friend to talk to and that brings me back to a good place.

  3. Thank you SO MUCH for this post I totally relay on it.
    I had toxic “friendships” for a very long time and it was hard to admit that I was in a bad position but I did work on it (and am still working on it …) so i’m slowly going better 🙂
    I’m waiting for one of my true friends to tell what your true friend told you “You changed and i’m SO PROUD of you”
    I really enjoy your blog, thanks for sharing

  4. I miss friends….they make life worth living….someone to pour your heart to,bitch,gossip,reveal your innermost thoughts without the fear of getting judged.As we get older we make fewer close friends.Something just doesn’t click.Have you felt the same way? So I keep calling my friends back in India when I am in desperate need for a soul talk.

    However desperate I may be, I would rather keep away from frenemies..you know…the kind of enemy who pretends to be your friend.Being highly intuitive I can sense people from a mile.But I am also careless, which means I ignore my intuition and fall into trouble.

    I have had the bad fortune to be in touch with a few such people.One such friend was always in serious financial trouble and asking for loans.And I was always bailing her out. Instead of getting my money back, I would see new appliances, new dresses, latest mobiles etc in her home.Thats when I started distancing myself.

    Another one was a very negative character, you know the kind who finds a blemish on the moon…We parted ways once..now again we got back in touch.She is the kind who serves horsegram curry for you when you visit her, but expects nothing but cutlets,butter chicken and mutton stew when she visits you. And packs whatever she can find in your house to take to her home.Instead of buying it in a supermarket.Stingy as hell……There was one option to do…Unfriend on facebook.And I did.Now I no longer have to see her crazy negative status updates…

    Do let me know if you people have faced something like this.

    After all we blog to share…right?

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